Tag Archives: Johnny Depp

Possible Page to Projector Predictions

7 Jul

Hollywood’s risk management strategy decreasingly supports originality and favors investing in existing franchises over unfamiliar content. Hence theaters are flooded with regular installments of a movie series. If movies aren’t sequels, prequels, inbetweequels, or reboots, then they’re probably coming from comic books that haven’t been filmed yet. Comics are becoming the preferred source material to mine for storylines. I’ll be complaining about this for years to come. However sometimes movies are based on a “book” these not-comic books are sometimes referred to as “novels”. Since I know a lot more about novels than I do about comics I predict that the following novels will be coming to a screen sometime soon. I haven’t done research on this and don’t plan to, just going from my gut.

 

Dr. Sleep

 

Dr. Sleep – This will be a movie, guaranteed. The author, Stephen King has had almost all his writing adapted for the screen. King has described his work as the junk-food of literature. I’ll confirm this. Like a Burger King Whopper that delivers a manufactured pleasing taste while having negative nutritional value, King’s books deliver cheap thrills and clichés and zero intellectual stimulation. He uses the same ingredients for every story; substance abuse, psychics, paranormal activity, and handicapped characters. Furthermore people buy his stuff on a regular basis because his name is ubiquitous and familiar not because it is worth reading. Although King hated Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining, it is one of the best movies ever made, going far above the source material. Dr. Sleep’s selling point is it’s the sequel to The Shining. Dr. Sleep is the story of an adult Danny Torrance, he’s an alcoholic seeing ghosts and other psychic shit (what a surprise). The villains in this book aren’t threatening and are almost comical stereotypes. As far as the writing goes, if you divide your book into parts, then chapters, then sections, get over yourself. Excessively segmenting up your book only proves that you have a giant ego and demonstrates how your story doesn’t fit together. But Hollywood loves sequels and loves King so expect to fall asleep watching Dr. Sleep sometime soon.

 

Spider Book

 

This Book is Full of Spiders, Seriously Don’t Touch It – Another sequel but this time it’s a good one. Author David Wong’s previous book John Dies At The End is a great read. But the structure and pacing is not like most novels and overall the book is quite unfilmable. They tried anyway and the John Dies At The End movie was unsatisfying but not a complete waste of time, it had some interesting and funny parts. This Book Is Full of Spiders benefits from smoother pacing and having the classic novel structure while every scene in the book could be easily filmed with minimal CG effects. The story is like a zombie parody that’s genuinely intense and suspenseful with a hilarious blend of dark and sarcastic comedy. The Zombie movie trend is wearing itself out, so it’s a perfect time to mock the format. The book accomplishes this, it’s about an outbreak vs quarantine conflict where everyone mistakenly thinks the problem is zombies because zombies are so huge in pop culture. Plus it’s a standalone story independent of its predecessor, so audiences don’t have to be familiar with John Dies At The End. It’s hard to describe how awesome the movie is that exists in my head called “This Movie Is Full Of Spiders, Seriously Don’t Watch It”. Or why I assume someone else could easily make said movie the exact way I know it should be. Just read the book and see for yourself.

Devil In The White City

The Devil in The White City – Remember that movie From Hell? It starred Johnny Depp and was about Jack The Ripper. What if another serial killer was murdering people before Jack The Ripper? Someone who slayed a great many more victims, in more ways, whose motivations were even more sinister. What if the killer was an American living in Chicago prowling the 1893 World’s Fair? Doesn’t that sound like an amazing story? Well it happened, The Devil in the White City recounts the true story of America’s…nay, society’s first documented serial killer and better yet they actually caught the bastard. This movie would make a great cop and criminal story with a backdrop of the 1893 World’s Fair a.k.a. The White City. The movie could highlight the optimism Chicago felt hosting the World’s Fair. Organizers went to extremes making it the grandest most modern spectacle of the 19th century, boasting electric lights, the largest enclosed space in existence, and the world’s first Ferris Wheel. Only to have their white city darkened by a killer who’d built his own three story “murder castle” to better execute his victims. It’s all well documented so the movie should just stick to the facts. The Devil in the White City could be a perfect juxtaposition of the opulent with the creepy. God I want to see this movie.

So I guess that just about does it. The book most likely to make it to the screen is the one that I have the least interest in seeing, maybe if it is some cable channel’s shitty made for TV movie I’ll watch Dr. Sleep for free. This Book Is Full of Spiders is probably too scary to make since the first movie wasn’t very popular. But there’s hope, because I ended up going back on my word and did a tiny amount of research and supposedly Leonardo DiCaprio has the movie rights to Devil In The White City. That may just be an internet rumor from a year ago but it’s better than nothing.

I go through a lot of books so depending on the response this gets I may try to churn out more literary based stupid opinions written poorly, so any feedback is encouraged.

Carl Wells

Movies I Don’t Want

17 Apr

If recent terrible movie trends are not put to death soon, more movies are likely to be made that will disappoint me in the future. I’ve thought about this and developed a complicated algorithm to predict such possibilities. Then those results were run through a probability matrix to sift out the most likely outcomes. A sneak preview of the horrible cinema atrocities are listed below, peek at the future if you dare.

Action figures used to be made based on movies but now movies are being based on action figures like TRANSFORMERS and G.I. JOE. There’s also a supposed LEGO 3D movie in the works I’m sure that discussion went like this:

“Gentlemen we need to make another movie based on popular toys.”

“I’ve got an idea…Lego the movie!”

“Well what is it about?”

“Doesn’t matter, people will watch it because it is called LEGO. And it will be 3D!”

“Brilliant here’s $70 million. Now go.”

My prediction for the next toy to be ridiculously screen adapted is STRETCH ARMSTRONG. Pretty much going off the commercial from the 90’s. A baby will stretch out his arm through the crib across the room to grab his bottle. Grows up to be a guy sporting black underwear who foils criminals by stretching his arms out to stop the getaway car by lifting up the rear axle. He’ll eventually retire from the life of crime fighting and become the world’s most sought after yoga instructor.

(Addendum: The fates are cruel and ironic.  A friend informed me that STRETCH ARMSTRING is being planned. I don’t want to be right, if this is what it means! )

Carl_01

There’s a growing pattern in making movies in a style I call “pseudo cool” where the movie sets out to be cool, it tries way too hard and fails miserably, examples include; SUCKER PUNCH, JONAH HEX, HANSEL AND GRETEL, and anything with Milla Jovovich. Their only goal was to be cool by forcing cool down our throats. After seeing SUCKER PUNCH I thought, “How does a movie like this even get made? Did an executive at Warner Bros. say ‘Hey Zack Snyder how would you like $82 million to make 110 minutes of masturbation material, for Zack Snyder.’?” Besides everybody knows cool movies don’t try to make you think they’re cool they just end up that way. It is only a matter of time before someone ruins DON QUIXOTE under the guise of being cool. Where the self proclaimed knight, Don and his squire Sancho Panza (played by a hot Latina girl, Selena Gomez, if they’re lucky) fight actual giants that styled their hair, beards, and moustaches to look like windmill blades. It has all the spectacle of flashy camera moves, slow motion matrix shots, over the top CGI, and copious kung-fu with absolutely no meaning at all to any of it. You know, all the cool stuff.

Remember that really boring game with no characters, excitement, strategy, based on the luck of calling numbers and letters? No, not BINGO, worse; BATTLESHIP. That movie was made. It promised Liam Neeson, then gave Rihanna more screen time. Surely, a CANDYLAND isn’t far away. Hopefully, it will avoid the sugar coated, kid cozy, Candyland of color corrected CGI shit-fest. Maybe if they put Tim Burton on the project, and let him make it like one of his stop motion animation style movies, it might not be terrible. The neighborhood of Nightmare Before Christmas or Frankenweenie, in that type of dark and weird look that’s still pleasing to the eye, would be an interesting look for CANDYLAND. And a Tim Burton movie has to have Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, so Deep will voice the maniacal Lord Licorice, and she can voice the kooky Grandma Nut. Lord Licorice is secretly heating up candy land so that King Candy’s castle which is made out of ice cream will melt. The design of all this stuff could be great; Molasses Swamp home to the Glops, or The Gumdrop Mountains. I’m not saying this movie would be necessarily good, but this is at least the best bad movie on my list.

So hopefully with a little warning we can all be prepared the next time we see one of those trailers that makes you go “I can’t believe they made that movie.”

-Carl Wells