The NBA Conspiracy Theory Minute 5-25-14

25 May

I do not believe in conspiracy theories. There are way too many factors, individuals, egos and money involved in all circumstances to say there is an overarching shadow agency running the show. Just the notion of such is a bigger leap of faith than any religion has ever asked of its followers. No, no, no, conspiracies are just a way for people to force connections which add meaning to the mundaneness of life. I don’t just actively ignore them, I go out of my way to shine a light on the stupidity required to believe any event has someone pulling the strings behind it. Conspiracy Theories are stupid and I don’t have time for a single one of them. Except when it comes to the NBA. NBA Conspiracy Theories are Faaaaaaantastic!

My reasoning is that, sure, large-scale conspiracies are nearly impossible to pull off, but inside one association? That could go down. There are too many things that don’t add up, breaks that seem too convenient, and luck never felt like Lady Luck and always had the hint of the smug condescending ways of David Stern. And the added bonus of conspiracy theories just being fun to ponder. Now, I love the NBA and I have no doubt that it will become the most popular sport in the world within the next 20 years, but to get to that level of popularity there’s got to be some bodies buried somewhere. And spring and the early summer are the P-R-I-M-E time for conspiracies, so this is going to be the first post exploring NBA Conspiracy Theories, both recent and up coming (there will undoubtedly be some shady officiating in the Eastern Conference Finals). So, get out your foil hats, pour yourself some florid-free water and feast your eyes on this NBA Draft conspiracy:


Cleveland won the NBA lottery for the third time in three years, well, let’s be fair, they won the number one pick three out of four years, but they also moved up a spot in they year they didn’t get the number one pick. So, they’ve had a lot of lottery luck since LeBron James left Cleveland. Which is the sole reason for their luck. When Cleveland lost the greatest player in the league, who will one day be considered the greatest in the history of the league it was more than just another a tragic day in Cleveland sports history, it could have been the day the killed Cleveland, not just the franchise, but the whole city. The NBA didn’t want the blood of an American city on their hands so they rigged and continue to rig the NBA Draft until Cleveland gets back to championship contention. The Decision was the worst possible outcome for the NBA and Cleveland. As much as they placed prodigy in the loving arms of his hometown team in 2003 by fixing that draft, the NBA did just as much to drive him out in 2010. If the NBA didn’t allow its players to play in the Olympics, Lebron, Bosh and Wade would have never realized that they could play together, coexist, have fun and win while maintaining their elite identities. Allowing NBA players to participate in the Olympics is great for the NBA brand as a whole, but actually hurts the individual teams in the league, if they’re not in a large market and don’t have the draw of weather, celebrities or no state tax. So once they joined forces in Miami the NBA knew it had to offer retribution for this tragic displacement of talent to overly tan, ungrateful hands of Miami “fans.”

It was a no brainer that the Cavs got the first pick in 2011. That was obvious retribution. They lost their star unfairly and were embarrassed along the way. Sure, we collectively agreed they deserved the first pick. Here’s the thing, they were never supposed to be this inept at running a basketball team. I believed that the NBA agreed to do whatever it could to get the team back to something that wasn’t a laughing stock, but with the combination of poor drafting and even more poorly running the team the NBA is stuck. They can’t admit they played no part in allowing James to jump ship in such a scandalous fashion, so they have to keep giving the Cavs number one lottery picks until it is no longer a place players flee after their rookie scale contract. Which probably means that Cleveland will keep getting lottery picks until the team is moved Austin and renamed The Strange.



One Response to “The NBA Conspiracy Theory Minute 5-25-14”


  1. The NBA Conspiracy Minute: 6-15-14 Game 2 | Stupid Opinions Written Poorly - June 15, 2014

    […] knew that there was going to be another conspiracy right around the corner. This one isn’t a huge one, but it is worth pointing out because it adds a whole new layer of […]

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