A Stupid Cross-Cinema Dating Experiment

25 Feb

Most of films with aspirations higher than the opening weekend box-office tend to focus on failed love or romantic situations that don’t quite work. But, hey, come on, everyone needs a chance at love, so in an exercise of theoretical match-making I’m going to match fictional characters with other fictional, more suitable matches. Here are a few cross-cinema couples too perfect to even come close to making an interesting film.

SOWP_helms-y-wilde

Chris Hensworth’s James Hunt from Ron Howard’s Rush was a race car driving playboy always on the look out for the next exhilarating challenge to occupy his mind. Unfortunately, seeking that titular “Rush” didn’t leave too much time for a satisfying love life. Hunt married super model Suzy Miller, played by Olivia Wilde, only to get divorced from her four and half scenes later. The movie implies their relationship ended for two of the most common reasons all marriages failed in the seventies 1) a fight about skiing was confused for a conversation about coke and 2) someone was fucking Richard Burton. If Hunt only could have found someone seeking the same rush from instant gratification and being the center of attention, he may have turned out more than one Formula One racing championship. Which is why if this was a perfect world Rush’s James Hunt would have been introduced to Olivia Wilde’s Kate from Drinking Buddies. Kate loves to party and be the center of attention, which is a common interest the two can build their relationship on. She doesn’t really know what she’s looking for, but a heavy travel schedule of a F1 driver will surely allow her plenty of time to ride her fixie around London with extra space to let her eye wander.

The Biggest Obstacle: Besides the nearly thirty years difference between each of their stories, would be convincing Kate to show any type of support for Hunt’s racing. I don’t know too much about Formula One racing, but if she’s not a fan of Updike I can’t imagine her liking the nuance of taking turns at 200 mph.

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Jason Schwartzman is a hero amongst The Wes Anderson Players. His twee-est characters thrive in the roles where they pine after unobtainable women. In what seems to have been a bargaining chip to get him to continue to pony up the goods as an always-seeking forlorn man-child, Wes Anderson wrote Hotel Chevalier where Schwartzman got to make out with Natalie Portman. That film and The Darjeeling Limited both revealed, that the romance did not go well. Schwartzman’s Jack Witman was a mopey guy prone to running away to suites in Paris instead of facing his problems, and when finally confronted with a problems sees the main solution as a shower and carefully chosen tune on the iPod. Now, Portman in Hotel Chevalier was never going to put up with this kind of yahoo, but do you know the perfect person to hold Jack Witman’s hand through the trials and tribulations of facing one’s problems? That’s right, Garden State’s Sam. Portman’s manic pixie dream girl with a soft spot for hopelessness would be a perfect match for Schwartzman’s Jack Witman. And when compared to the out of work, guilt-ridden, poorly tag-named, Zach Braff surrogate Andrew Largeman, Witman, even in all of his fleeing-the-emotional-scene glory, is a better catch. Jack and Sam can dance in the rain and ride mopeds until their troubles are forever forgotten.

The Biggest Obstacle: I wonder how the conversation would go when Sam tries to tell Jack that The Shins are going to change his life?

SOWP_Sam-y-Cash

Lastly, I’d like to find a fictional suitor for one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite films of 2013; Samantha from Her. The artificially intelligent operating system Samantha is virtual delight and deserves so much more than the sad sack Theodore Twombly. It really isn’t that much of a shock that a super genius OS who’s hobbies include wormholes and quantum physics should lose interest in a guy with only one red shirt, but multiple melancholy playlists. Samantha needs someone with more intellectual and emotional meat on their bones, a harder nut to crack. Which is why the perfect fictional pairing for Samantha is Joaquin Phoenix’s Johnny Cash. In Cash, there would be the stark internal contradictions that naturally come with the man in black. I imagine every conversation would have the philosophical weight of the Walk the Line and Ring of Fire. Think of the collection of covers Samantha could suggest to Cash, if she was able to get a book’s worth of letters from Twombly’s day job. No offense to Rick Rubin, but it could be a collection to rival the American Recordings. There would be enough stimulation for Samantha to keep her from jumping ship to an extra dimension with the rest of the AI Operating Systems. She could mine the depths of humanity by studying just one person.

The Biggest Obstacle: Johnny Cash would never date a computer.

-C. Charles

 

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