Webbed Prose – 2/11/14

11 Feb

Last time I didn’t do a good job at explaining what I was trying to do with the Webbed Prose. It was a vague and rushed explanation because I was so eager to get rolling on the prose aspect of the thing. But, I learned my lesson, I know now that Stupid Opinions still have to be clear opinions. So, here is my second take at the Webbed Prose with the set up that should have been included in the first Webbed Prose.

Webbed Prose will be where I use something I’ve read or seen on the internet as a writing prompt for something, most likely fiction. It may be a story based on who wrote the linked article, as it was last time in the vaguely described post, or it could be inspired by a sentence or a picture in the post. I don’t really know how it will work, but hopefully it will end up being a nice little companion piece for the original article, which I will post here. Feel free to read it before, after or skip it all together.

This is the depressing article about how rich a person would be if they invested the same amount of money in Apple stock as they spent on the Apple product they are bought.


Here is the my prose inspired by this article:

 Socially Adept 

I realized when it took three minutes for someone’s animated sparkling background to load on their myspace page that social networking was a huge waste of time. And instead of just hitting pause on whatever shitty Fray song was playing, I closed the window never to open a social networking site again. Instead of indulging in the fleeting satisfaction of new message, a mention, re-tweet or wall post, I decided to spend that time on making myself a better human being. Which would be a hard task considering that I already wasn’t involved with any type of social media. So, in the instead of uploading pictures and cyber stalking ex-girlfriends, I turned to a life of productivity.

At first, I calculated that the average person spent roughly twenty minutes a day on the then popular myspace, so I began studying Spanish for twenty minutes a day. Before the poorly ran site even reached the social tipping point, I was fluent in Español. By ignoring my “top 8” I increased the sphere of people I could communicate with by roughly 400 million people. It took trips through Mexico and the majority of South America and could actually bribe my way out of the majority of situations a tourists get themselves into by myself, all on my own. During the time there were a few new people I met who asked for my information on thefacebook, but I coldly told them they could go straight to hell and besar el diablo pene. The digital plague was nipping at my heels, while in Ecuador a friend of a friend showed me a picture he tagged me in on thefacebook. After hiring some local muscle to hold him over the side of a 30 story tall apartment building until he promised to remove the photo and any mention of me on the social site, I realized that there stakes had been raised. And given the option to lighten my stance on the increasingly acceptable social network, I scoffed and double down.

Through firm handshakes and face-to-face meetings I shored up any fear I ever had about not having a job. I rose through the ranks of every company I held a position at. Only leaving one title to pursue more challenging endeavors. With my daily twenty minutes, I fucked around read War and Peace twice, Infinite Jest three times and unironically read In Search of Lost Time in its entirety.   By this point, all of my peers had taken the blue drink known as thefacebook. So, I increased my productivity from a religious twenty minutes a day to a zen like forty. Then, I added another five minutes to my holy productivity time with every invitation to join the digital hell. But I had to put a cap on my productivity time, after a month of the new policy there wouldn’t have been enough hours in the day to cover all the requests. Even with the capped time I was able to earn a law degree and an MBA while hashtags and at-signs were cracking their heads out of the different shade of blue social site. I skipped it all. I dropped my gmail account when they tried to tie to a social network and build my own email server from the ground up with my newly developed skill of coding. But even with a custom, top-notch, unsocial email client the best way to contact me is through the phone, a letter sent to one of my P.O. Boxes worldwide, or happen upon me on one of my international jaunts around the globe.

As I walk through any city in the world and I see the soul dimming light cast on the faces of people deadly gazing into the lithium fueled void in their hands my decision to keep my hands off the social networking wheel are completely reaffirmed. Don’t think I am done with the productivity yet. I’ve got my eyes on a nice little South American nation prime for a focused, productive, socially gifted and charismatic political leader to step into power. Someone able to smoke out the corruption and injustice, who can build a better social and economic nation and the only “wall” mentioned in the country will be the walls where firing squads execute people who like their own status updates.

The End

-C. Charles


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