Movie and TV Wishes For 2014

16 Jan

There’s new movies and TV shows coming in 2014 that are good enough to distract us from the important things in life. But there’s sure to be plenty more formulaic, meaningless, media produced which elicits sheer disappointment when viewed by me. Here’s one movie and one TV series that I wish I could look forward to in 2014. Since I’m still waiting for the movies I want from last year, this is just wishful thinking…for now.

RINGWORLD the series – Last year SYFY channel stated they’re going to make a 4 part series based on the Ringworld book(s). There’s been scant information about the project and it’s not the first time SYFY has announced they were going to do this series, similar announcements were made a decade ago, there’s also been a failed movie attempt. My hopes aren’t high that it’s going to ever happen, even if it does, it won’t be done right.

Allow me to briefly explain the premise of Ringworld. While reviewing long range scans of deep space a very strange object turns up in the data, a star with what looks like a blue green ribbon encircling it. It’s an artificial structure erected on a scale impossible to comprehend. The “ribbon” is a million miles wide and has a circumference similar to Earth’s orbit around the sun. It whirls around its star fast enough to generate centrifugal force along its interior similar to Earth’s gravity. A smaller ring of shadow squares spins closer in toward the star providing day and night cycles. All this creates an Earth-like habitat that’s 3 million times larger than the surface area of our planet. A small group of explorers is sent out to discover the secrets of this brogdingnagian object and some unexpected surprises await them.

Ringowrld

To say Ringworld sounds weird is an understatement and that’s what makes it good. It’s very imaginative with plenty of opportunity to create some epic visuals. This would pose a challenge with a smaller budget, but great CG is required to get the scope and majesty of the setting and the characters. One of the main characters “Nessus” would have to be totally CG to be portrayed right and not that crappy CG either. Nessus is an alien called a Pierson’s Puppeteer and they’re one of the coolest aliens in literature, imagine a 3 legged gazelle with 2 heads but the heads are also its hands, they deserve quality CG representation. But SYFY channel will probably cut that character out cause it’s simpler/cheaper that way. You see SYFY doesn’t do Sci-fi, they do miserably bad TV movies and “reality” shows about ghosts. The last thing I watched on SYFY was Sharknado, so I don’t see a good Ringworld coming from this channel.

JACKSON the movie – Did anyone think that Lincoln movie was as good as they thought it would be? I didn’t, it was long, boring, and missed an opportunity to show interesting facts about Lincoln’s life. Sure it had great costumes, sets and awesome facial hair but it was a movie about parliamentary procedure and not the biography I expected. So let’s see a real presidential biography and the Andrew Jackson movie needs to happen. He was an insane, violent man and would make a crazy entertaining movie. Some historical facts about Andrew Jackson. At age 13 he joined a militia in the Revolutionary War. The Red Coats held him as a P.O.W. where he nearly starved and contracted small pox. By 14 he was an Orphan, blaming the British for the deaths of his family thus beginning a lifelong loathing for the English. His nickname “Old Hickory” was a reference to his cane, that he often beat people senseless with. He also fought in the war of 1812, commanding a militia that wanted to mutiny he threatened “If you mutiny, I will kill all of you”. And they didn’t mutiny, because they knew he wasn’t bluffing. In addition to shooting people in military conflicts he also shot people in duels. There are at least 13 duels that Jackson participated in and that number may climb above 100. That’s 100 times that Jackson hated someone so much he decided one of them needed to die.

Jackson

After being inaugurated as the 7th U.S. President, Jackson threw a huge party and invited the public to celebrate, turning the white house into a frat house. White house guards were overpowered by the ensuing crowd and 20,000 drunks proceeded to trash the property. White house dishes were broken, artwork was ruined, furniture stained, this part of the movie could have Will Ferrell cameo “We’re going streaking!”. Jackson snuck out through a window and only after tubs of liquor were placed on The White House lawn to lure people outside was Jackson able to return inside and actually start being President. His presidency marks the first assassination attempt of a U.S. head of state. The assassin was clearly a lunatic and not because he thought he was the rightful king of England but because he thought he could kill Andrew Jackson. At point-blank range his pistol misfired, having planned for this he pulled out his backup pistol and defying mechanical sense it also misfired. Jackson proceeded to beat the man with his cane nearly to death. Then erected a statue of himself right where that happened. After serving 8 years as President Jackson said his only regret was that he didn’t shoot his vice president and hang the speaker of the house. Jackson also had a pet parrot that outlived him and attended his funeral, until it had to be removed from the ceremony because it wouldn’t stop cursing. I really want to see this movie. It should be directed by Quentin Tarantino and I want Andrew Jackson to be played by Samuel L. Jackson, and Jackson’s pet parrot should be voiced by Samuel Motherfucking Jackson.

Carl Wells

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2 Responses to “Movie and TV Wishes For 2014”

  1. Kerry Smith April 6, 2015 at 3:38 pm #

    Brilliant idea for a Jackson movie. I like Mel Gibson for lead. Nobody hates the British like Mel.

    • rckosml April 6, 2015 at 5:13 pm #

      He is just crazy enough to capture how crazy and violent Jackson was too. Good suggestion.

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