Revisiting Seinfeld’s Fake Movies

26 Nov

Seeing the list of fake beers inspired me to think about all the fake movies hiding in plain site everywhere, and I thought the best place to start was Seinfeld, it is the most popular show ever and they had to have so much fun coming up with all these fake movies. Lists of Seinfeld’s fake movies exist but this one is made from scratch, the result of a 4  day marathon, and includes crappy pictures.

Dishonorable Mention

Firestorm: A Hell of a picture starring Harrison Ford; action sequences include Ford jumping out of a plane and shooting back at it as he is falling, an underwater escape, and a helicopter landing on a car. Sounds amazing, unfortunately the title Firestorm was ruined because instead of making this movie Hollywood made another movie called Firestorm. It starred football has-been Howie Long throwing chainsaws at flaming trees or something.

IMG_2688

Honorable Mentions

The Muted Heart: Starring Glen Close and Sally Field… well, that should be good. Do you think he’ll ever find her again? Oh.. I sure hope so.

The Pain and the Yearning: An old woman experiences pain and yearning for 192 minutes (that’s a lot of yearning), clearly a movie that only an art-house goon would pick. Memorable quote: “Brittle bones, how I long to be rid of the pain.”

Now the Top Ten

10.) The Other Side of Darkness: A movie that went straight to video about this woman who goes into a coma. Before making any changes to your living will make sure you watch this movie until the end, when she wakes up and says “I feel so rested and refreshed. Get me a toothbrush”

IMG_26829.) Cry Cry Again: An arty movie that involves a French Guy falling off his bike in Paris. There’s a scene about a guy buying a loaf of bread. But bread is his soul, he’s trying to buy  back a loaf of his soul. But the whole story comes apart at the end, out of nowhere there’s this lone dancer who appears to be injured. It’s a disturbing image. So you cry and then when you see the dancing you cry again.

8.) Prognosis Negative: A man interprets a “negative” result on a medical test as being bad. The movie is really bad, really bad, long, there’s no story, and is so unbelievably boring, I heard. I  have an instinct for these things.

IMG_26997.) Sack Lunch: So do you think they got Shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack? Starring Dabney Coleman. I would totally see this movie over The English Patient.

6.) Mountain High: Starring Kevin Bacon, and Susan Sarandon “You’ve got to get me over that mountain! NOOOO!!(Gudche, Gudche) AAAAAHHHH!!!” There’s no higher place then… Mountain High, Rated -R.

5.) Ponce De Leon: About the search for the mythical fountain of youth. Receiving mixed reviews, the ending, where everybody is all splashing around in the fountain of youth and then goes over to the mirror to see if it really worked might make you hate the movie because it is so stupid. Or maybe when Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn’t changed and that tear started to roll down his cheek, you might loose it because it is so good.

IMG_27234.) Flaming Globes of Sigmund: The only sci-fi movie on the list, It’s an older movie that plays on late night cable tv. “Look Sigmund, look at the sky. It is just as you prophesized! The planets of our solar system are incinerating. Like flaming globes Sigmund, like flaming globes! Ah ha ha ha…”

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3.) Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but because of different reasons altogether! The bootleg of this movie is legendary. Who do you think got the final Deathblow? Cause I thought that Hawaiian guy really had it coming to him.

2.) Chunnel:  The tagline “Thirty-two miles of Hell!” says it all. The plot involves some sort of explosive disaster in the Chunnel. If you listen to the movie in the background you can hear Larry David say “Everyone get out of the Chunnel!” Then a little later “Mr. President, your daughter is inside the Chunnel.”

seinfeld-rochelle-rochelle1.) Rochelle Rochelle: A young girl’s strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. The Village Voice called the film “a masterpiece” about life, love, and becoming a woman. Does this movie stink or what? It proves that men will sit through the most boring pointless movie if there’s the slightest chance a woman will take her top off. It’s only redeeming quality is the nudity which occurs at least once when Rochelle’s clothes get wet and the voice of Larry David instructs her to “Come by the fire and take off those wet clothes. You’ll catch your death of cold.”

Rochelle: My hands are so cold, I can barely get these buttons open… That’s much better. Much, much better.

Which reveals either “hot”, or mostly “sidal” nudity.

(Then later)

Rochelle: My father was a shoemaker and we didn’t have much money.

Larry David: Rochelle Rochelle what are we going to do with you?

Rochelle: I’m going away tomorrow.

David: Where? Where are you going? I want to go with you. Take me with you.

Rochelle: Well, don’t be a silly goose.

David” But I’ve never seen Minsk. I hear there’s so much hustle and bustle.

Rochelle: You’re being absurd. Leave me alone.

David: Rochelle Rochelle, do you know–?

But that writing didn’t stop it from being so successful it spawned a musical starring Bette  Middler, (eeewwww).

BONUS

IMG_2701Checkmate: The next move could be your last.

Larry David: I didn’t know you enjoyed Chess your majesty.

Jerry Seinfeld as The King: Why wouldn’t I?

David: Because the King is always in Jeopardy.

King: Yes, but it’s only a game.

David: Yes, of course…only a game.

There are a few titles left out but I’m sure everyone will have fun looking for those, then telling me how I should’ve listed “Chow Fun” and all the rest.

Carl Wells

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3 Responses to “Revisiting Seinfeld’s Fake Movies”

  1. John Minihan November 27, 2013 at 2:32 am #

    Well worth the effort. Nicely done

    • Carl Wells November 27, 2013 at 3:30 am #

      Thanks, it was a good excuse for me to re-watch my Seinfeld collection.

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  1. Why You Should Hustle Every Day (And How Jerry Seinfeld Did it) | SoshiTech - November 29, 2013

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