Movies To Avoid This Fall

1 Sep

Autumn is an interesting time for movie releases I suspect that when studios have no idea when to release a film they just randomly pick a Friday in the fall. This makes knowing what to expect difficult and that’s why so many sleeper hits and Oscar surprises come out in the fall. But it’s also the dumping ground for cinema sludge. We all know what a “Bucket List” is, well I have an opposite of that too, a list of things I don’t give a bird’s cold shit about. Guess what it’s called, it rhymes with bucket. Here’s a fraction of the movies in the order of their release date this fall that are on my Fuck It List.

RIDDICK – A group of space travelers land on the surface of a baron desolate planet and discover that Vin Diesel thinks that by making his voice very gravely people will take him seriously. Especially when all his lines are uttered in mumble growls. Violent conflicts erupt between Mr. Potato Head and whoever. But then the planet grows dark and carnivorous alien monsters wake up and are hungry for human. All of a sudden Vin Potato head’s overly aggressive violence is an asset for fighting the indigenous wildlife and the people trying to kill each other are all friends now. I was able to get an advanced screening of this movie in 2000 when it was called Pitch Black.

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2 – The first one came out in 1978 and Roger Ebert called it “A vile bag of garbage…without a shred of artistic distinction.” He gave it zero stars and put it on his list of 100 worst movies ever made, this is from a guy who’s actually seen like 12,000 movies. I happened to see it a very long time ago at a party. It is so misogynistic it has to be seen to be believed, something I don’t advise. Someone had the bright idea of a 2010 remake, I don’t know if I Spit On Your Grave 2 is a sequel to the 1978 or 2010 version. Does it really matter? Maybe a remake / sequel to the 1978 classic Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People is on the horizon.

MACHETE KILLS – First off, MACHETE Jesus Christ some of us actually saw that movie and now there’s a second one!? This was all fun and games when it was a cute joke trailer in Grindhouse, it should have ended there. The film starts with a girl pulling a phone out of her snatch, and tumbles downhill from that. Robert Rodriguez, you hurt me on the inside and need to be stopped before your maniacal plot evolves into a trilogy that…What’s that? The third one is in development, and will be called Machete Kills Again, In Space. Anyone trying to justify that these should exist lives in a reality I have no interest in.

CARRIE – If I wanted to encourage anyone to see this movie I’d first have to do one thing. Wrap my soul in a paper bag throw it on the ground and stomp on it. The original Carrie was perfect at telling it’s story and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Looking back 40 years on the over the top portrayal of the 70’s it only adds to the entertainment value. So what if it stars Julianne Moore and the girl from Kickass. Sure they’re good but the original cast was dead on for their roles. This remake will feel like the 1999 sequel Carrie 2: The Rage, bland, out of place, and hastily manufactured.

BAD GRANDPA – Okay I admit to liking Jaskass, not all of it but enough to have paid extra to see Jackass 3D at its first midnight showing. One part of their repertoire that is in very poor taste is when they go out in public and proceed to piss off normal unsuspecting people. These are real people with real lives and real problems and don’t deserve to have the Jackass boys ruin their day. Bad Grandpa is just Johnny Knocksville playing a bad grandpa to victimize the public for 90 minutes. This is borderline criminal to me. But besides that, it is not even original anymore. Sacha Baron Cohen has made a career out of these movies and we’re all plenty sick and tired of him. So Jackass should just stick to hurting themselves and each other on camera.

THOR: THE DARK WORLD – Eventually all American movies will be comic book movies and that will be a sad day, it will be sad in every way I can think of, and sad in other ways waiting to be invented. So let’s all make that happen sooner by giving Thor hundreds of millions of dollars. High hopes it has the best bits of the first movie like casting brilliant Anthony Hopkins and having him be asleep for the whole thing. Stuff I don’t get includes how Odin refers to humans as “mortals” implying that he is immortal. But how does an immortal lose an eye and go into a coma? Epic cliché hero dialogue like “You are unworthy of your title, and I’ll take from you your power.” Better be included in Thor 2, as well unthreatening emo villains .

What a coincidence every movie on this list is a sequel I wonder how that happened.

Carl Wells

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4 Responses to “Movies To Avoid This Fall”

  1. ccharlesconfidential September 13, 2013 at 8:34 am #

    Yeeeesh! There are some bad films on this list. The Carrie movie isn’t even worth seeing if you’ve seen the trailer. The whole movie is right there for free and in a very acceptable length of a hundred and twenty seconds. We live in bleak times.

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