Upcoming Television: Cheers, Jeers, and Fears

6 Aug

Towards the end of every summer TV channels start to prepare for the fall season by planning and promoting events that have been hyped for quite some time. There’s highly anticipated programming headed to your TV and it includes the following items.

Diptic (4)

Cheers:
Breaking Bad, The Final Season – Best show on television period. For those who only know the general show description about a chemistry teacher who decides to start cooking crystal meth to make money that provides for his family after he dies from cancer. Well that’s all in just the first episode and the intensity has built up ever since. If you haven’t watched this show, what the hell is wrong with you? Watch Breaking Bad, seriously. It mixes so many things together you just don’t get on TV dramas. It is a modern Western, using the barren landscapes of New Mexico as much for story development as for scenery, the desert and weather are a major character in the show. It is the antithesis of the drug genre. Most TV and movies about drugs glamorize that lifestyle showing success of drug dealers and the social acceptance of drug use. But Breaking Bad is dirty, dingy, and violently unforgiving. Meth Junkies are cretins and the drug cartels are indifferent to who they murder in pursuit of profits. The show is cinematic, and includes time-lapses, location shoots, and montages cut to songs sung in Spanish. The measured pacing of the show ratchets the tension up slowly squeezing every moment for maximum suspense. Finally the show is very darkly funny a type of humor that is the most difficult to get right. It is not too late to catch up on this show in time to watch the series finale broadcast. The last season starts on AMC August 11th.

Jeers:
Shark Week – It is bittersweet thinking about what Discovery Channel has become. Sometimes they have shows like North America which is a deliciously photographed nature program. But then there’s Shark Week. Maybe it is just poor timing but I’m sharked out right now. Sharknado was one of those ideas that is so bad it sinks through the entire spectrum of bad and starts to be good again. So with the help of some good home-brewed beer I enjoyed Sharknado the first time. But then everybody was talking about Sharknado, and then it re-aired, and now it’ll be in theaters, and there will be a sequel, and the next SYFY movie out is going to be called Ghost Shark. The shark theme has been over fished. But wait this week is Shark Week. When Discovery turns marine biology into an extreme sport. Where they tow floating bait behind a boat to get sharks jumping out of the water in slow motion. I’m all for increasing awareness about how important sharks are and how these animals need to be protected from dismemberment for fin soup. But do we really need an entire week of X Games style coverage of divers chumming the waters “for science”? Shark Week started Sunday and goes all this week.

Fear:
Football Season – I hate Hate HATE FOOTBALL! It is slow and boring and useless and corrupt and stupid. “But Carl so is every other sport, do you hate them too?” Yes, yes I do but what makes football the worst is it’s the biggest, it is everywhere all the time. Even during the off-season, there is no reprieve, people can’t let it go so they cover the draft picks and pre-season and contract negotiations and whatever else and when that runs out people talk about what “might” happen next season. Let it go, turn it off, it is the “off” season. The main reason I loathe Tim Tebow is because I shouldn’t even know that virgin piece of shit exists. I won’t even watch the Super bowl but because of America’s obsessive worshipping of football my eyes and ears are involuntarily penetrated by the NFL. I know of Tim Tebow because of information rape, so thanks for that. Here’s one other example of how the game itself is worthless. There’s a clock that counts down, okay great. Except it means nothing. Games aren’t 4 hours because of that clock, but because they stop it all the goddamn time! Soccer is boring as dog shit but at least when that clock starts it doesn’t stop till it’s run out. If you can’t respect the concept of time don’t use a clock, like baseball. Football season starts when you see most of America sport a raging broner while I contemplate how Rome used gladiators to distract the masses as society crumbled.

Carl Wells

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