Summer 2013 Blockbuster predictions

31 May

Now we’re in the full swing of Summer movie season. Memorial Day has ratcheted up the blockbuster factory into full gear. I’ve already fallen behind in seeing the required viewings the Hollywood marketing machine expects me to see. But rather than comment on the couple movies I have seen, I think it will be more fun to share my predictions for some of the movies coming later this summer.

WARNING: Possible spoilers ahead.

MAN OF STEEL: The only prediction I have for this movie is even with a mega studio budget Zack Snyder will not even attempt to get more than 5 minutes of original musical scored. Instead opting for rock or pop or weird covers of classic rock music that have all been put to way better use in dozens of other movies. Even when you think you’re hearing a great piece of original music in his movies it is really just original music from another movie’s soundtrack, see Watchmen and Koyaanisqatsi and you’ll know what I mean. I wouldn’t be surprised if most of the music you hear is from previous Superman movies mixed with 70’s fossil rock.

300 RISE OF AN EMPIRE: This movie will have even more sweaty, tan, men wearing only loin clothes who are perfectly muscled and have no body hair playing ancient Greeks. They’re always breathing and yelling and exercising in slow motion. Their arch enemy; an 8 foot tall, bald, black man who wears jewelry and makeup is trying to see how many of his Persian men he can get to wrestle with the Spartan men. Like its predecessor this movie will somehow manage to slip under everyone’s gaydar. Joining the ranks of such movies as Watchmen and the Sherlock Holmes movies in the category of gay movies people didn’t even know they saw. By the way I’m not using the word gay as an insult for these movies. It is because they fit within the genre of gay movies. I’ll admit to someone that 300 was a great movie when they admit that it is a huge gay fantasy too (not that there’s anything wrong with that). While we’re on the subject, HBO recently aired a biopic of Liberace titled “BEHIND THE CANDELABRA”. I wondered what if there’s ever a movie made about Siegfried and Roy. Which movie would be gayer? The Liberace movie or the Seigfried and Roy movie?

PACIFIC RIM: Guillermo del Toro’s makes a movie to basically say “Up Yours Michael Bay, I can make better giant robots”. Audiences will agree, even though the giant robots don’t talk and can’t change into any other giant machines and there won’t be a robot peeing on John Tuturo, people will still think Pacific Rim is a great movie. This is because the only giant robot movies of late are the soul numbingly awful Transformer movies. Which just goes to show that South Park had it right when they described Michael Bay’s process as just trying to get as many “Crorsh” sound effects into his movie as possible. And that he doesn’t know the difference between ideas and special effects.

WORLD WAR Z: Zombies are the new Vampires and while I detest any and all vampires and am anxious to see them fade out of popular culture I have mixed feeling about Zombies being the new mainstream fad. I foresee that this movie won’t be anything like the book World War Z. But nobody will care and it will make a ton of money. No matter how good it might look to have millions of fast zombies overrunning major cities around the world it still won’t measure up to the awesomeness of Woody Harrelson shooting zombies from a roller coaster car. Maybe if Bill Murray makes a surprise cameo I’ll reconsider.

AFTER EARTH: The required M. Night Shyamalan twist for this movie is heavily influenced by Will Smith. It goes like this, planet Earth is now empty of the Scientologists who once cleansed alien soul thetans from the living. Their absence once again makes Earth the perfect place for Lord Xenu to dump frozen alien spirits from his overpopulated empire. A volcano full of these deposits is going to explode and spread thetan version 2.0 all over the planet’s surface. Will Smith and his son Mini Me are on a crusade to prevent their homeworld from becoming overrun with animals who are controlled by alien ghosts. Oh and the plants can smell your fear and release a poison that makes humans want to kill themselves so you can’t get scared, hence the tagline “Danger is Real. Fear is a Choice”.

So that’s it for now as the dog days of summer tick off the calendar we’ll see how right these are.

Carl Wells

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Summer 2013 Blockbuster predictions”

  1. ccharlesconfidential June 4, 2013 at 4:46 am #

    Good stuff, good stuff. All great expectations for summer blockbusters, but unless Zach Snyder was talking to Hans Zimmer to be the most expensive conductor in the history of ZZ Tops cover bands, I think he might break his recent trend.

    • Carl Wells June 5, 2013 at 2:10 pm #

      We’ll see, I’ll probably go see Man of Steel in theaters just to see Michael Shannon, he is good at playing raging lunatics.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A Stupid Opinion about Man of Steel | Stupid Opinions Written Poorly - June 17, 2013

    […] hyperbolic introduction to any Man of Steel review you will read. The movie was a good film, and as Carl correctly predicted there were some cheesy and unnecessary pop songs, it was a tight film that looked pretty good. I […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: