Movies I Don’t Want

17 Apr

If recent terrible movie trends are not put to death soon, more movies are likely to be made that will disappoint me in the future. I’ve thought about this and developed a complicated algorithm to predict such possibilities. Then those results were run through a probability matrix to sift out the most likely outcomes. A sneak preview of the horrible cinema atrocities are listed below, peek at the future if you dare.

Action figures used to be made based on movies but now movies are being based on action figures like TRANSFORMERS and G.I. JOE. There’s also a supposed LEGO 3D movie in the works I’m sure that discussion went like this:

“Gentlemen we need to make another movie based on popular toys.”

“I’ve got an idea…Lego the movie!”

“Well what is it about?”

“Doesn’t matter, people will watch it because it is called LEGO. And it will be 3D!”

“Brilliant here’s $70 million. Now go.”

My prediction for the next toy to be ridiculously screen adapted is STRETCH ARMSTRONG. Pretty much going off the commercial from the 90’s. A baby will stretch out his arm through the crib across the room to grab his bottle. Grows up to be a guy sporting black underwear who foils criminals by stretching his arms out to stop the getaway car by lifting up the rear axle. He’ll eventually retire from the life of crime fighting and become the world’s most sought after yoga instructor.

(Addendum: The fates are cruel and ironic.  A friend informed me that STRETCH ARMSTRING is being planned. I don’t want to be right, if this is what it means! )


There’s a growing pattern in making movies in a style I call “pseudo cool” where the movie sets out to be cool, it tries way too hard and fails miserably, examples include; SUCKER PUNCH, JONAH HEX, HANSEL AND GRETEL, and anything with Milla Jovovich. Their only goal was to be cool by forcing cool down our throats. After seeing SUCKER PUNCH I thought, “How does a movie like this even get made? Did an executive at Warner Bros. say ‘Hey Zack Snyder how would you like $82 million to make 110 minutes of masturbation material, for Zack Snyder.’?” Besides everybody knows cool movies don’t try to make you think they’re cool they just end up that way. It is only a matter of time before someone ruins DON QUIXOTE under the guise of being cool. Where the self proclaimed knight, Don and his squire Sancho Panza (played by a hot Latina girl, Selena Gomez, if they’re lucky) fight actual giants that styled their hair, beards, and moustaches to look like windmill blades. It has all the spectacle of flashy camera moves, slow motion matrix shots, over the top CGI, and copious kung-fu with absolutely no meaning at all to any of it. You know, all the cool stuff.

Remember that really boring game with no characters, excitement, strategy, based on the luck of calling numbers and letters? No, not BINGO, worse; BATTLESHIP. That movie was made. It promised Liam Neeson, then gave Rihanna more screen time. Surely, a CANDYLAND isn’t far away. Hopefully, it will avoid the sugar coated, kid cozy, Candyland of color corrected CGI shit-fest. Maybe if they put Tim Burton on the project, and let him make it like one of his stop motion animation style movies, it might not be terrible. The neighborhood of Nightmare Before Christmas or Frankenweenie, in that type of dark and weird look that’s still pleasing to the eye, would be an interesting look for CANDYLAND. And a Tim Burton movie has to have Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, so Deep will voice the maniacal Lord Licorice, and she can voice the kooky Grandma Nut. Lord Licorice is secretly heating up candy land so that King Candy’s castle which is made out of ice cream will melt. The design of all this stuff could be great; Molasses Swamp home to the Glops, or The Gumdrop Mountains. I’m not saying this movie would be necessarily good, but this is at least the best bad movie on my list.

So hopefully with a little warning we can all be prepared the next time we see one of those trailers that makes you go “I can’t believe they made that movie.”

-Carl Wells


5 Responses to “Movies I Don’t Want”

  1. ccharlesconfidential April 18, 2013 at 1:00 am #

    Carl the good news is that there is a curse on Don Quixote, which is why we haven’t seen any type of movie, slick or otherwise yet. There is a great documentary all about the troubles Terry Gilliam and Johnny Depp ran into when they tried to adapt it. Check it out:

    And I don’t even like documentaries, but this is gold

    • Carl Wells April 18, 2013 at 1:12 am #

      I loved Lost in La Mancha it made me curious about the source material. What is this story that is cursed and unfilmable? So I got the book Don Quixote and let me tell you it is extinction level event bad. That being said I bet the Terry Gilliam movie would have been fun.

      • ccharlesconfidential April 18, 2013 at 2:11 am #

        From what I understand Cervantes was pretty paranoid that people not named Cervantes were going to cash in on his Don Quixote fame and put some sort of gypsy, or the Spanish equivalent, curse on the text of Don Quixote, so everyone who tried would come to ruin. And I guess there must have been a sub-clause in the curse to not have the book stand up through multiple translations and four-hundred years of human advancement.

  2. Carl Wells April 18, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

    Someone put a Gypsy Curse on me, every ironic synnical preminition I have comes true…


  1. The Lego Movie Review | Stupid Opinions Written Poorly - February 14, 2014

    […] a CG pile of stupid. So when I heard that the next toy to get a Hollywood makeover would be Legos, I wasn’t optimistic and expected another 90 minute commercial. But a mixture of curiosity for how bad could it get […]

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