THC – The Hypocrite Channel

20 Mar

Being way too cynical and jaded, I never expect truth in advertising. But it still really bugs me when cable channels bulk up their schedules with programming that goes against their own branding. For example, A&E (Arts and Entertainment) airs Hoarding and Intervention, and Cartoon Network started rerunning Saved by the Bell late at night. It is way beyond me to stop this hypocrisy so I’m going to take the next step. Here are some suggestions to lead cable channels further astray from what they say they’re about.

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MTV – Did you know the “M” in MTV actually stands for Music? It is one of those obscure things most people don’t know about TV, like how CBS actually stands for the “Columbia Broadcasting System.” Obviously CBS has more Columbian content than MTV has musical content, so it is easy to mistake the M for Malignant or Masturbatory (I’d wager CBS airs more and better music than MTV too). So the next show I pitch for MTV is based on their sophisticated hit 16 And Pregnant. It is called 32 And Grandma, portraying women who got pregnant at 16 and still failed to prevent their own daughters from ruining their lives in the exact same way.  I went to high school with someone in the 90’s who got pregnant sophomore year and her mom was 32, if I can find someone that surely leaves the door open for 48 And Great Grandma. Of course, that would have to air on VH1.
History – The History channel has done to history what MTV has done to music. Producing a drama called The Bible is on the margin of being called history, but shows like Alien Architects and Prehistoric Astronauts defiantly cross the line. If they’ve already broken the definition of history, then anything qualifies as content for them. Keep an eye out for the following shows: America’s First Cotton Gin, The Untold Story of The Super Mario Brothers, and How My Balls Won World War IV.
TLC – The fact that the show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is on The LEARNING Channel confirms that our species has no hope for long-term survival. All I can say is this: make a show about a young mammal of the Laporidae family who goes around beating smaller rodents until a fairy makes her stop. It’s called Little Bunny Foo Foo and will kill less brain cells than “sketti and butter” while the title still sounds the same.
The Science Channel – I really enjoyed the original programming that used to educate viewers about actual science. But The Science Channel has started airing Firefly and Fringe. A lot of people love these shows but they don’t belong on The Science Channel. And their sitcom Stuff You Should Know doesn’t belong anywhere but the incinerator. If they want to acquire old shows from other networks, how about Sliders, Quantum Leap, and MacGyver? Honestly, a dramatic show with actual science in it like Breaking Bad would fit in best.
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Travel Channel – This channel originally had a variety of infotainment pertaining to journeying around the globe. Now, it is only about food: No Reservations, Bizarre Food, Man Vs. Food, Bacon Paradise, and the menu goes on and on. TV is already bloated with food– PBS’s daytime cooking shows, prime time’s Hell’s Kitchen, and the 24-hr programming on the Food Network and the Cooking Channel. No wonder everyone is so fat. TV is saturated with food porn and now the Travel Channel has to serve up copious portions of foodie fantasies too? How about a show where people knowingly eat tainted food and have to reach some exclusive bathroom before they get sick. Success is when the person gets violently ill in a luxurious lavatory. They could tell us how great it was to projectile vomit in the women’s room of five star restaurants–or how the bar at Aspen’s ski lodge is the best place to have explosive diarrhea.   
All these channels have the right to air whatever they want but they should change their names accordingly. American Movie Classics, which makes Mad Men and Walking Dead, is now AMC. Discovery ID used to be Discovery Times which used to be Discovery Civilization. Or, Cable Stations, why don’t you do this? Just stop trying to be something you’re not, especially when we have to pay extra just for the option of watching you.

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