If the NBA was on TV

18 Feb

NBA All-Star weekend just wrapped up, and while everyone was busy claiming that despite it’s flaws the weekend is some of the best TV has to offer. Well, I spent this last month catching up on some quality produced television, and I can say that the All-Star game has nothing on the current golden age of television. However, the claim did put the stupid opinion engine in motion and generated plenty of stupid opinions. The stupidest of them all is this post. Right here, in the very post you are reading now.  Here’s the gimmick: What NBA All-Star embodies what TV show.


LeBron James has to be Game of Thrones. LeBron is playing the best basketball of his career right now, and the last year he erased all doubts about his legitimacy as the best player alive. Nobody can even question it right now, in the same way everyone is watching Game of Thrones. Even people living in homeless shelters without premium cable have found ways to illegally download the show at the city library. Everyone watches it cause it has it all. Game of Thrones is the Pearl Harbor of spoiled latchkey kids, everyone can rally around that show. In both cases, the fans know how both will end, GoT because of the books and LeBron because he’s four steps ahead on the evolutionary timeline and has already crushed every implausible ceiling artificially created for him. It doesn’t matter that people know what is going to happen, everyone is happy to tune in to enjoy the ride.

Tim Duncan and Mad Men. . . He started playing in the 60’s, right?


MVP Chris Paul is like Lena Dunham’s GIRLS. Both are do-everything-fucking-awesome team players that just make whatever they touch turn to gold.  And both owe a tremendous amount to their location and circumstances: CP3 for forcing a trade out of NOLA only to get lucky enough to miss the sinking ship known as the Lakers and end up as a seaworthy Clipper, and as brilliant as Dunham is I really wonder if Tiny Furniture would have been such an indie darling if Aura’s mother was an artist working in the Santa Fe art scene. Would middle America rise up against the girls of GIRLS if it was set in middle America, or is there something sort of cathartic about watching these flawed characters stumble through life in NYC?

Speaking of NYC, the Most Selfish Player in the NBA is Kourtney and Kim Take New York. It’s a shitty show about selfish people who want attention, he’s a shitty, selfish person that wanted to be in a bigger market.

Kevin Durant is like Louie. Where Kevin Durant may have originally looked just like your average run of the mill super scorer, he’s become, to the chagrin of everyone in Seattle, the special once in a lifetime player that defines a team, a city, an era, someone who will change the way the game is played. Louie CK seemed to be on the same career path as one of the non-Amy Poehler members of The Upright Citizens Brigade when he directed Pooty-Tang, but now he’s in his own world. Louie is the do-it-all great television show that transcends the label sitcom and is elevated to, as corny and dopey as this sounds, art. I can totally see a world where high school seniors will be required to watch season two of Louie in there new media class. Durant and Louie are generational treasures.

KG and The Walking Dead. Well, Kevin Garnett just isn’t as good as he used to be and really shouldn’t have been starting in the All-Star game, but massively popular things have a way of riding that popularity wave, just like John McClane surfed on that dump truck in Die Hard: With a Vengeance. The same goes for the extremely popular The Walking Dead, but instead of riding the same quality wave that KG built up over 18 years in the L, The Walking Dead is just riding the current pop obsession with zombies.  The show is proving pop cultures favorite hobby is over-saturating and killing anything with cult appeal, while KG spent the weekend honoring the game and humbly enjoying the last All-Star game of his career. You should have never spent 15 weeks on that farm, Walking Dead, you’ve lost me forever.

James Harden and Justified, I just feel that there has to be someone on that show that has a similar beard.

Dwight Howard and Breaking Bad. If there has ever been a real life equivalent to Walter White, other than that meth dealer named Walter White in Florida, it has to be Dwight Howard. He’s completely broke bad. In one year, Walter White went from beloved husband, father and chemistry teacher to Heisenberg. Now Dwight may have taken longer break bad, but he went from being on the cover a Xian magazine to knocking up and walking out on then Magic dancer and future Basketball Wife, to getting his coach fired, burning his legacy as he whined his way out of town and is now the anchor that is dragging the once proud Lakers franchise to the ocean floor. I have the feeling that Kobe is Pinkman, Nash is Mike, and Bill Simmons is Hank. We won’t know how Breaking Bad turns out for another few months, but no matter what happens in the last 8 episodes; Dwight Howard is a dick.



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