The Bachelor top picks

23 Jan

As promised on last week’s “next week on The Bachelor,”  the drama really did get amped up this episode, the third of the 17th season of ABC’s The Bachelor.  This landmark series, which has brought superficial people together for years, has made former The Bachelorette contestant Sean Lowe the focus of this season.  It’s insane how much I could write about this episode of The Bachelor, most of which is better reserved for girl gab, but as I’m exclusively friends with rappers, hipsters and seven year-olds, I’ll have to turn to my true best friend, the internet, to share my opinions.  As promised, this week we got even more elaborate dates, more yelling, more tattle-tale-ing, and more ambulances, all the things people(girls) tune in to see.  First, we got to see Sean take Lesley M. on a romantic trip to the Museum of World Records, where they attempted(and succeeded) to break the record for longest on-screen kiss, you know, just regular early relationship-hang type stuff.  As I watched them press their faces together, I hoped that someday they will look back and know that they hold a world record with a person they barely know who probably humiliated them on national television. The second date of the program was taking one of the women and two terminally ill teenage girls to Magic Mountain for the day, to show just how near and dear charity work is to his heart.  His special surprise for the teens was a performance by the one and only Eli Young band, the hottest teen favorite currently on the market!  Who would want Bieber or One Direction with ELI YOUNG’s sweet strumming to bring this perfect day home?!?!?!  As I watched these normal people interact on their totally normal human dates, I started to really see the character of these women shining through.  I present to you, a few of my favorites:


Lesley M aka THE SMART ONE: the aforementioned on-screen kiss world record holder is a political consultant in Washington D.C.  This episode, she admitted to Sean that she was a total “nerd” in high school because she took some AP classes.  The real shocker was when her blond Prince Charming admitted that he took AP classes in high school too! Can you believe that deep soulmate connection!

But seriously, AP classes?!!?! ew. Talk about nerds.


Tierra aka THE BITCH: this brunette Britney Spears lookalike, who unfortunately also represents my hometown of Denver, CO, was the main reason for the drama this episode.  There’s always one girl who incessantly repeats the mantra “I’m not here to make friends,” as if people ever actually liked them anyway, and this season it’s Tierra.  When she’s not feeding the tiny dog she keeps in her purse, she’s doing things to make the other girls angry, like falsely telling them they have a date with Sean, or faking an injury to spend time with him, CRAZY, DRAMATIC STUFF LIKE THAT.  Can you believe this bitch?



Sarah/ Robyn/Leslie H aka THE TOKENS: every season has to have a token ethnic girl, and this season they’ve expanded even beyond race to include a woman with a disability.  Sarah was born with one arm and Sean and all the other girls go super out of their way to never notice it or say anything about it.  And while Robyn and Leslie H both happen to be African American, Sean made sure to promise Robyn that he doesn’t see color.  In fact, when she asked him about it, he told her that he made NO physical specifications to the producers of the show.  Kind of strange then, that they all happen to be super hot and tiny! What a coincidence.


Kacie B aka THE TATTLE-TALE: every season, one girls thinks it will be a good idea to tell The Bachelor about another girl who is weird or conniving behind his back.  This episode Kacie gave it a shot, and surprisingly, it backfired in her face.  Are you telling me guys don’t like it when women complain about other women?  Are you trying to say that men do not find it attractive when women desperately put other women down to seem better than them?  Back to the drawing board, Kacie B., at least you get a limo ride home.

All of these women, except for Kacie B. are still in the running for Sean’s heart, so I wish them the best of luck(despite my disapproval of their taste in guys, as we all know that grown men should never be blonde.  Imagine the beard he would grow.  Wait, no, don’t, I’m sorry I did that to you.)

Next week: private jets, ball gowns, “chocolate” tasting, and bitches knocking each other down. I can hardly wait!

-Caitie Hannan


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